DOGE Declares Government Too Inefficient, Shuts It Down Permanently

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning announcement today, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has deemed the entire U.S. federal government an unsalvageable bureaucratic disaster and is shutting it down permanently.

At a press conference outside a nearly deserted Capitol, DOGE Director Elon Musk declared that “after extensive audits and AI-powered analysis, we have determined that the greatest inefficiency in government is… government itself.”

A Nation Without a Government?

As of midnight, all federal agencies—including FEMA, the FAA, the IRS, and even Congress—have been officially ‘sunsetted’ to streamline operations. The White House has been repurposed into a co-working space called The Free Market Hub, and lawmakers were advised to seek employment in “the thriving gig economy.”

“The data is clear,” said DOGE spokesperson Riley Parker. “The government is a bloated relic of the past. We believe that private enterprise, crowdsourced solutions, and blockchain-based governance can provide better services at a fraction of the cost.”

In place of federal programs, citizens are encouraged to use online platforms to ‘self-govern’ through crowdfunding, private subscriptions, and community-driven innovation.

New “Free Market Governance” Programs Announced

To ensure that key public services continue, DOGE has partnered with major corporations to offer subscription-based governance options:

• Disaster Relief: FEMA has been replaced with "GoFundMe Response", where disaster victims can appeal directly to donors for help.
• Mail Services: The U.S. Postal Service will now operate through Amazon Prime Government Services™, where delivery speed depends on your subscription tier.
• Air Traffic Control: Airlines have been advised to “coordinate amongst themselves” for flight safety, leading Delta and United to begin beta-testing pilot-to-pilot DM groups on Slack.
• Education: The Department of Education’s budget has been reallocated to Netflix, which will offer a “Learn-to-Earn” streaming curriculum.
• Taxation: The IRS is now a voluntary, honor-based system where Americans are encouraged to Venmo contributions to “@America” as they see fit.

“This is an exciting new chapter in governance,” Musk explained. “Instead of forcing citizens to fund bloated programs through taxes, we’re giving them the freedom to pay only for what they personally value.”

National Security & The Military: “We’ll Figure It Out”

When asked about national defense, DOGE officials revealed that all military operations had been outsourced to a new service called PatriotForce+, a subscription-based defense system allowing users to vote on military interventions via an app.

The U.S. nuclear arsenal has reportedly been placed on a blockchain voting system, where top donors will have "governance tokens" to influence launch decisions.

While some experts have raised concerns about outsourcing national security to crowdfunding, a spokesperson from SpaceX Defense assured the public that "war is a competitive marketplace, and we expect efficiency gains to follow.”

Public Response: From Panic to Innovation

Reactions to the government shutdown have been mixed. Some citizens are panicked over the sudden loss of essential services, while others see an opportunity for true market-driven innovation.

“Sure, my Social Security benefits vanished overnight,” said 78-year-old Barbara McAllister of Ohio, “but now I have five competing private companies offering me ‘Retirement-as-a-Service’ plans, and that’s the free market at work.”

Meanwhile, young entrepreneurs are already launching new civic startups, such as “Firefighters 4 Hire”, a decentralized emergency response network that charges users per gallon of water used.

What’s Next?

With the government officially dissolved, questions remain about how legal disputes, infrastructure maintenance, and elections will be handled. Some analysts predict that corporate-led governance will thrive, while others fear chaos and lawlessness.

One thing is certain—DOGE has fundamentally reshaped the future of American government, for better or worse.